The cat is out of the bag…

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Well, I did it. I told my story on Facebook to my 500+ friends, some of whom I actually know, some just virtual acquaintances. The response was remarkably better than I expected. I know I was looking for support, but I als felt like if someone could learn something from what I am going through, I’d want to help them. 

This is the picture I shared, which is dramatic enough to begin with. 


And here is the post. 

Thanks to everyone for the overwhelmingly supportive comments on my new profile picture. I have written this post in my head a million times, and even needed to start a blog to figure out how to start. So I’ll just do this: on July 5, I had gastric bypass surgery. There’s a growing number of my friends and family that know, and with a couple of exceptions, the support has been amazing. Weight loss surgery patients commonly hear comments like, “you took the easy way out” or “couldn’t you just do it with diet and exercise?” Well let me tell you, nothing about this has been easy, and no — my body doesn’t understand diet and exercise. It was defending a weight and would do everything to stay there.  

Those of you who have known me for a while know that I have struggled with my weight for my whole life. In 2009, I did a medically supervised weight loss program and lost 75 pounds and was able to maintain a good chunk of that weight loss for about 5 years. Various medical issues like a pituitary tumor, sluggish thyroid, medications, stress, lack of sleep, depression and anxiety, and a range of metabolic issues made it an uphill battle to maintain, let alone lose. My metabolism is shut down. I was referred for weight loss surgery in November of last year, right before Thanksgiving. I was upset, embarrassed and felt like a failure.
I did months of research, stepped through a lot of hoops with the insurance company, and talked to friends who had the procedure and decided that this was the best option for me. I’m about 2/3 of the way to my goal, and it’s very slow, but that’s okay. It’s a huge lifestyle change and there’s a lot of rules. But hey — I am a rule follower. I’ve had great support from friends (and my bosses) at work. But you can read more about that on my blog, and follow the rest of my journey. Visit marilynunraveled.com.
The pictures here are from a trip to Mexico in 2008, 3 days before my surgery, and then today. It’s been a long road, and there’s more to go, but I invite you all along with me.

In addition to the supportive comments, I’ve also received a few private messages of encouragement and of thanks. People who were at a crossroads in their own journeys who may have needed a push. 

I feel a sense of relief now that this is out there. Since privacy settings in Facebook and Instagram are so unpredictable, more and more people were solving the mystery of why I eat 1/4 cup of food at a time. 

Feeling supported, grateful, and a little bit teary eyed. I have some amazing people in my life. 

Mirror, mirror…in the backyard

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I have spent many years avoiding mirrors. And even when I am not avoiding them, I’m not very kind to myself. So, we don’t have a full length mirror in our house.

As I get closer to my goal, I find myself doing a double take when I catch my reflection in a storefront or see myself in a full length mirror. I don’t recognize myself. That’s why I’m taking weekly pictures — it allows me to let my mind catch up with the changes that are happening with my body. So much of this journey is mental, and my mind is a trickster.

Yesterday, while out with the dogs in the backyard, I caught myself in the reflection of our woodshed and decided I needed a picture to see what I was really seeing. I still don’t think this is me.

Going mirror shopping today. I have to learn to like that person.

Mindfulness 

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I’m taking a bit of a Facebook break to give myself a rest from the fallout of the election. Too many emotions are starting to stress me out. In just a day, I realize how much extra time I have when I am not constantly staring and scrolling at my phone.

I’ve decided to branch out the blog a bit. My various incarnations of the Hello Happy Pit Bulls blog were always about much more than the Happy Pit Bulls, and this blog needs to be about more than the unraveling of my intestines.

So let’s talk about mindfulness. The months leading up to my surgery were stressful for a lot of reasons. Still dealing with depression after losing my dad, struggling with some tough decisions at work, and feeling physically broken, I started looking for some ways to reduce my stress.  I actually took a training class at work about Stress Management and got some ideas about keeping a wellness journal to track things like sleep, moods, and physical symptoms and keeping a gratitude journal. I also started seeking some resources to help me better manage my anxiety and found a couple of podcasts I thought were helpful. One was 10% Happier with Dan Harris which talks a lot about mindfulness and meditation as the key to a happier, healthier life in interviews with famous people who practice meditation regularly. Check out the interview with the Dalai Lama. It’s awesome.

So enter the thoughts about mindfulness.

I started researching journaling techniques and discovered bullet journaling. Now, I am not going to be posting pictures of these beautiful habit trackers or spreads. I am not an expert doodler or hand drawn font superstar. But I did more or less follow the principles of bullet journaling. I’m using the Panda Planner.


This planner has spots for gratitude and goal setting and planning and weekly/monthly review and daily affirmations and more. It’s really forcing me to think about things in my life, the blessings I need to acknowledge, and ways to stay positive during troubling times. I keep most work stuff separate from this because quite honestly I would be horrified if anyone from work came upon some of the crap I have written in there.

So back to my Facebook blackout. I’ve spent my time away doing positive things like writing in my journal, searching for sources of inspiration on Pinterest and administering some self-care. It’s a wonderful feeling to be honest.

Now we aren’t going to discuss my planner/office supply fetish. That’s for another time. But I did buy a new Panda Planner that comes with coloring book pages! Therapeutic!

Badass runner gear

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Just scored these awesome headbands from Hippie Runner and now I look forward to hitting the treadmill with tamed bedhead each morning. They come in all kinds of patterns and colors and they are definitely unique. 


If you want to get your own, here’s a coupon for 10% off their already affordable price. I got my grab bag for $20 and it included 10 headbands. Glad I found them on Instagram through one of my favorite IGers and huge inspiration, @phitnessprincess. Thanks, Beckah!  

You are Fabulous!

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I was going through my Pinterest account for some inspiration for daily affirmations and gratitude and found this photo I took at the Sacramento Pride Parade. I was taking photos for the animal shelter I volunteered with, and the support of the community was overwhelming. Even tear-inducing.

Looking at this out of context I realized this is something everyone needs to hear and remind themselves daily. I mean look at those expressions.


We need to remember to be kind to ourselves. It’s so easy for me to doubt myself and that negative self talk sneaks in. Yesterday’s dressing room victory even had this underlying doubt. We don’t have a full length mirror at home. Not sure why. Even though I was pulling on normal sized clothes, I looked at myself in the dressing room mirror and said to my husband, “I don’t look as good as I thought I did. I have so much more to go.”

When I came across this picture this morning, it was a message to myself.

Part of this process is stalls. I have been floating between 142 and 143 pounds since mid October. I know it will come at some point, but that self doubt hit me this morning when the scale showed 144.2. WTF? I even ran yesterday! I know it will get harder as I get closer to my goal, but this is frustrating. What do I do? Gonna change my protein sources to lower calorie and lower fat content, add more water, and back off the intensity of my exercise and see what happens. Clearly my metabolism isn’t revved up since I am still eating 700 calories or less.

My progress looks like this:


I’ll just bounce around until my body or the scale decides to do something. So, thought for the day is that I am fabulous. It’s a process.

Dressing Room Drama

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The last time I went shopping with my husband I cried in the dressing room because I had to go back to Plus sizes after being a size 14 for many years. It was heartbreaking and I felt like a failure.

I think that may have been the last time I tried on clothes as I resumed shopping plus sizes from Old Navy online.

Fast forward 2 years. Today, I went to the Gap for their Friends & Family 50% sale (code FFSALE if you are interest, through tomorrow).

I don’t know what kind of clothes I should wear. The don’t know how to shop. The whole thing stresses me out.

I picked up a couple of size S sweaters, waiting for some salesperson to give me the evil eye, then picked up a few pairs of size 10 pants. Anxiously in the dressing room, those pants just went right on. No crying at all!

Again, the sizes are a trip. I can wear anything across multiple sizes depending on who makes them. The LOFT makes me feel good with their vanity sizing.

Today, I felt like a normal person.

I asked Mike if I look like a normal sized person and he rolled his eyes and said “yes baby.”  Seriously. It’s a trip.

Now I have 3 pairs of pants I can wear to work without them falling down. Progress.

“It’s too much…it’s not good…”

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So, I’m in the break room at work and this woman walks in and says just that to me. She said I am losing weight too fast and it doesn’t look good. I told her that it’s between me and my doctor, which she should have interpreted as it’s a medical issue so mind your own damn business, but no…she kept at it. And then she said she doesn’t understand how I am doing it because she is doing diet and exercise and it doesn’t work. I ended up telling her I had gastric bypass and am under the care of a doctor but I appreciated her concern. She shut up. 

I have to say most people have told me how great I look and how happy I look. Which is how I like to project myself even when I am not having a good day. 

I have told some of my closer work friends and most of my family but not all. I assume that people will tell other people but I have found that people are pretty good about keeping medical information private. It surprises me really, but we deal with a lot of confidential information at work, so perhaps that’s why. 

When I first decided to have the surgery, I was embarrassed and concerned about what people would think. I’ve found that as I get closer to my goal, I am way more open. I don’t care what people think. I have yet to have anyone say I took the easy way out, but I have a good comeback for that one. 

Goals and Gadgets

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Apple Watch Nike Plus model
Gadgetry for Geeks

I struggle with coming up with the right rewards for the right goals. Now that I am almost two-thirds of the way to my goal, I decided to increase the stakes. 

I already have an Apple Watch but it’s the first version. Now that Apple has launched this new model, I’ve declared this to be my final goal reward. I’m a data nerd and the Apple Watch has been an important tool for my journey, between timers, tracking workouts, the activity app and other features, it only makes sense to upgrade as part of my upgrade. Extravagant? I’m worth it. 

“Support” Group 

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Before my surgery, I had to sign an agreement to go to the monthly support group meeting for a minimum of 6 months. I had every intention of checking it out before my surgery, but for whatever reason didn’t make it. 

My first time at support group was about 16 days after my surgery. I was leaving my house in actual clothes for the first time since my surgery follow up. 

The group was so unbelievably negative. One lady said to me “you don’t even look like you needed the surgery.” The last people I expected to judge were baritric patients. I remember this other lady walking in and talking about hot guys at her gym. I didn’t make it to the next two sessions…wonder why. 

The October meeting was different. I received an email, in advance, about the meeting and there was going to be a new therapist facilitating. I decided I would give it another go. Aside from the fact that it took me 90 minutes to drive there due to an accident and 5PM traffic, I made it. The meeting had already started when I got there and I guess they were doing introductions. There were two women who hadn’t had their surgeries yet so they were looking to hear about the experiences of the “veterans.”  This was hilarious. 

There was a guy, who I will call Mr. Lapband, who interrupted to throw in his completely unsolicited 2 cents providing horribly wrong information and the facilitator let this go on a while. My favorite input from him was about how he eats to much and throws up all the time but got used to it and it doesn’t taste bad. OMG — what kind of advice is that?  Then comes the woman who had gastric bypass and discovered she doesn’t get dumping syndrome while trying Halloween candy. Why would you do that???  

What’s my point? There are a lot of options for support in the bariatric community, including Facebook Groups where everyone is an expert ::sarcasm::  

You have to figure out where you need support and seek it there. I wouldn’t seek medical advice from anyone in these groups although it is interesting to see what other people are experiencing. And to hear how people who have been successful at maintenance have managed their lifestyle. 

Now I am curious. In November I am going back for more!